Since I've kinda been pistol-whipped by the hand of god of late, I decided: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. To that end, as of early last evening, I am now a fully ordained minister in the nondenominational online Universal Life Church, fully authorized to perform weddings and various other religious-type dealios. I was reading a back issue of Sports Illustrated when I came across a blurb saying that Jerry Reinsdorf, the owner of the Chicago Bulls and White Sox had recently become ordained; and I thought to myself  "self (yep, I really do think like that), we can do that, too.'' And so can YOU. All it takes is your name, address, and a valid e-mail address. And in no time at all, your eternal soul can be saved from hellfire and damnation the same way mine was. And, best of all, it's completely free, unless you wish a hard copy of your ministry. Then it's $10 US.

The Reverend Christian Manson of the Ministry of Darkness (those of you what are familiar with the WWE will know where I got this one). Yep, I kinda like the sound of that. Needless to say, since I've always wanted my own cult; any interested followers, sheep, as it were, can apply via e-mail to join me in my quest for whatever it is that I'm questing for.

All I've got so far is Saint Christian: patron saint of lost causes and wasted lives. The rest I'm kinda playing by ear. Although I strongly suspect that the phrase "holy Mandy (Moore), full of grace" will be involved somehow. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna enjoy this one immensely. I haven't decided yet whether or not to deify my lovely neighbor, although I'm strongly leaning towards it. She's that ethereal.

And, I get to decide whom I should condemn (rubs hands together gleefully). Oh my yes, this is gonna be Good Times. Stay tuned.

Hey, big guy, I know we ain't been real close over the years, but I just wanted to thank you. Thank you very much for bringing someone special, whom I care about and love a great deal and who feels the same way about me; into my life at a time when I'd nearly abandoned all hope. And thank you VERY much for taking her away from me, you spiteful cocksucker. For making her live 2000 miles away and not be strong enough to wait for me (not that I'm really worth waiting for). For us. Yeah, I know, giveth and taketh away; blah blah fucking blah. LOVE the sense of humor. Hardy fucking har. Needless to say, message received. Loud and clear. I am forsaken. Fine. Whatever, you sick, twisted fuck. It's SO on betwixt you and I. But you already knew that, didn't you?


Sincerely,
Christian Manson