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  • Better

    I haven't been able to get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep at a time of late. Admittedly, my gig is pretty flexible as to start times, so that's fine, but now I have something tangible to work on whilst reinventing my ownself. Yay, goals! And, until I'm actually seeing spots, it's all good. If I didn't drive drowsy, I'd never leave the house.

    Actually, my quest for new knowledge to reacquire my inner game (that I always seem to lose once I land a quality woman; yes, that's right, kiddies, my sticking point is mostly after the close - I'm smart enough to focus on the targets that preselect themselves) has had me kind of excited of late. So much to learn, so little time sleep. Or eat. I do miss Sleepytime, though.


    So, as I was perusing the LinkedIn connections of an old friend from the old days, a familiar name appeared: the oft-mentioned Kendra (check the archives from around 2005. Ish). No, I didn't send her an invite, although I've been sending out many of late. However, this did put into perspective 2 of my, shall we say truths:


    1) None of them is Kendra


    2) It's easy to get over a person.

    In fact, I mostly am, now that I've realized that, while failing to keep attracting her (always be attracting, y'all) is my fault, any ill feelings she may harbor are hers alone. I'm a take the high road (yeah, I know, hard to believe, but there it is) kinda fella. Sue me. Besides, she seems to have a pattern for this sort of thing, in the 20/20 of retrospect. Hindsight, even. And I've fully established what my pattern is. 

    But I digress, I do that.

    What is hard to get over is what said person does and how it makes you feel. In this case, the way she gave head. That will be with me always.


    Alright. Peace out, girl scouts. Be good and be safe.

  • Quandary

    Okay, so whilst I've been putting in the right work for the wrong reasons (I've since learned that it wasn't entirely my fault; yay, progress!), I find myself on the horns of a dilemma:


    I'm visualizing her blowing me again because it's what I want. 


    I need to replace said visualization as it's the best, most vivid memory I have of every woman I've been with (my # is Not Nearly Enough, BTW) with another vivid image so I can move the fuck on.

    What's a boy to do?

    Opinions and suggestions (preferably physically possible ones) are more than welcomed.


    Getting some awfully mixed signals.

    At 2:23 this morning, she texted me a meme showing the difference between Nescience and Ignorance. Um, Pumpkin, I'm tragically aware of my ignorance. And ignoring it.

    So, at 4:30 I texted a link to a Psychology Today article on the joys of makeup and breakup sex.

    Mostly I'm just unthrilled I didn't hear the text, as I was sleeping. I keep strange hours, sue me.

    This after she texted me at 12:15 the night before to tell me she didn't owe me anything. 

    It is difficult for me as supportive guy to become toxic dude and lead her into my frame of her sucking my cock again. Stupid moral compass. But I'm trying.


    So, as best I can tell, the mixed signals are:

    - if there's no interest whatsoever, don't text 

    - texting negative messages during prime breakup sex hours

    - just fucking say that you're banging someone else at the time you text


    I'm assuming she's already banging someone else and preferring to think that she waited until after (she had more notice than I did) she kicked me curbside to do so. It does turn out, however, that I'm less attached to her than i thought. I still love her, but I don't like her a great deal right now.

    Which will lead to hate fucking of the hard pounding variety (our lovemaking was more often of the closeness and rapport flavor; what? I'm in touch with my shit, blow me) that all girls need when they're being lead into the frame of submission. Yay, goals!


    Early day today, so peace y'all.




  • I've Been Cheated. Been Mistreated.

    So, I'm reading this book on getting over one's ex. After revisiting my need to seek anatta so I can let go of attachment. I'm still in the process of remembering random things about her at random times. Like the fact she gave me her number on my parent's anniversary. I was in a casino with them before we went to Red Lobster. 

    Again, my memory serves me far too well. The next time I make a connection, I'm going to make sure there are more bad times to remember. Recalling all the good ones kinda sorta hurts. A lot.


    Anyhoo, long story somewhat less so, I really really REALLY should've taken some more time judging said book by its cover. I foolishly assumed it was, like, you know, about getting over one's ex for anyone who is grieving and trying to grow. Being a simple country boy and all.


    Uh, no. Not so much. Turns out it's about the manipulative strategies that men can use to try and keep their ex in a bad relationship. So, I dealt. I thought OK, strategies to learn.

    Again, not so much. Talk of alcoholism and verbal or physical abuse. Threats. Safety issues.


    Here I thought I was toxic. A monster. The opposite of civilization.

    I was open, honest and supportive.

    I knew what I had. Said so. And know what I've lost.

    I did what I said I would.

    I gave thoughtful, inexpensive (this is key) gifts on occasion; like when I went to Sacramento (booked before we were an item) without her and she gave me rides to and fro the airport, common courtesy. 

    I loved her and told her so. Okay, it was too soon, but I'm working on it. I'm in touch with my shit (I misted up at the end of American Sniper), sue me.

    I desired and respected her. But I became too complacent and stopped attracting her. Which is apparently worse than abuse because it's predictable and boring.  I'm lucky she didn't have me fucking killed, let alone not communicate with me.


    Lesson learned. Okay, now I may be getting in touch with the Hulk Smash!