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  • I Hate Feeling Like This

    Or, you know, pretty much anyfuckingthing. It's what I get for having my heart tattooed on my arm.


    It's been dark days, like Dylan Thomas fucking dark, around the Manor of late. Had to travel for work for a week, which contributed to not 1 but 2 failures. Because 5 days in girl time is like 5 months in dog years. Or whatever. And ever. Amen.


    So dark that I've been IM'ing with someone I knew in junior high. Because I appreciated the ego boost of being cyberstalked.


    So My Darkest Days that I texted the chick I hate fucked after Jacqueline Hyde (sound it out, it'll come to y'all) kicked me curbside. Blindside style. It's her birthday tomorrow. I hate that I remember that. Although, to be fair, there are like 6 or 7 other birthdays and such that happen to my people in November. 

    And I hate that I'm the stand up guy that's going to text her a happy birthday. I really need better role models. Of the more toxic variety. Do apply within.


    So I'm back again, listening to peppy pop concoctions and trying to find a better state. And venting. Again, no support group. I haven't been sleeping well the past couple of months and tomorrow's going to be a tough day. On the upside, I'm totally going to save on x-mas gifts. So there's that.


    Peace out, y'all. Be good and be safe.

  • Better

    I haven't been able to get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep at a time of late. Admittedly, my gig is pretty flexible as to start times, so that's fine, but now I have something tangible to work on whilst reinventing my ownself. Yay, goals! And, until I'm actually seeing spots, it's all good. If I didn't drive drowsy, I'd never leave the house.

    Actually, my quest for new knowledge to reacquire my inner game (that I always seem to lose once I land a quality woman; yes, that's right, kiddies, my sticking point is mostly after the close - I'm smart enough to focus on the targets that preselect themselves) has had me kind of excited of late. So much to learn, so little time sleep. Or eat. I do miss Sleepytime, though.


    So, as I was perusing the LinkedIn connections of an old friend from the old days, a familiar name appeared: the oft-mentioned Kendra (check the archives from around 2005. Ish). No, I didn't send her an invite, although I've been sending out many of late. However, this did put into perspective 2 of my, shall we say truths:


    1) None of them is Kendra


    2) It's easy to get over a person.

    In fact, I mostly am, now that I've realized that, while failing to keep attracting her (always be attracting, y'all) is my fault, any ill feelings she may harbor are hers alone. I'm a take the high road (yeah, I know, hard to believe, but there it is) kinda fella. Sue me. Besides, she seems to have a pattern for this sort of thing, in the 20/20 of retrospect. Hindsight, even. And I've fully established what my pattern is. 

    But I digress, I do that.

    What is hard to get over is what said person does and how it makes you feel. In this case, the way she gave head. That will be with me always.


    Alright. Peace out, girl scouts. Be good and be safe.

  • Quandary

    Okay, so whilst I've been putting in the right work for the wrong reasons (I've since learned that it wasn't entirely my fault; yay, progress!), I find myself on the horns of a dilemma:


    I'm visualizing her blowing me again because it's what I want. 


    I need to replace said visualization as it's the best, most vivid memory I have of every woman I've been with (my # is Not Nearly Enough, BTW) with another vivid image so I can move the fuck on.

    What's a boy to do?

    Opinions and suggestions (preferably physically possible ones) are more than welcomed.


    Getting some awfully mixed signals.

    At 2:23 this morning, she texted me a meme showing the difference between Nescience and Ignorance. Um, Pumpkin, I'm tragically aware of my ignorance. And ignoring it.

    So, at 4:30 I texted a link to a Psychology Today article on the joys of makeup and breakup sex.

    Mostly I'm just unthrilled I didn't hear the text, as I was sleeping. I keep strange hours, sue me.

    This after she texted me at 12:15 the night before to tell me she didn't owe me anything. 

    It is difficult for me as supportive guy to become toxic dude and lead her into my frame of her sucking my cock again. Stupid moral compass. But I'm trying.


    So, as best I can tell, the mixed signals are:

    - if there's no interest whatsoever, don't text 

    - texting negative messages during prime breakup sex hours

    - just fucking say that you're banging someone else at the time you text


    I'm assuming she's already banging someone else and preferring to think that she waited until after (she had more notice than I did) she kicked me curbside to do so. It does turn out, however, that I'm less attached to her than i thought. I still love her, but I don't like her a great deal right now.

    Which will lead to hate fucking of the hard pounding variety (our lovemaking was more often of the closeness and rapport flavor; what? I'm in touch with my shit, blow me) that all girls need when they're being lead into the frame of submission. Yay, goals!


    Early day today, so peace y'all.