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  • Quandary

    Okay, so whilst I've been putting in the right work for the wrong reasons (I've since learned that it wasn't entirely my fault; yay, progress!), I find myself on the horns of a dilemma:

     

    I'm visualizing her blowing me again because it's what I want. 

    Yet...

    I need to replace said visualization as it's the best, most vivid memory I have of every woman I've been with (my # is Not Nearly Enough, BTW) with another vivid image so I can move the fuck on.

    What's a boy to do?

    Opinions and suggestions (preferably physically possible ones) are more than welcomed.

     

    Getting some awfully mixed signals.

    At 2:23 this morning, she texted me a meme showing the difference between Nescience and Ignorance. Um, Pumpkin, I'm tragically aware of my ignorance. And ignoring it.

    So, at 4:30 I texted a link to a Psychology Today article on the joys of makeup and breakup sex.

    Mostly I'm just unthrilled I didn't hear the text, as I was sleeping. I keep strange hours, sue me.

    This after she texted me at 12:15 the night before to tell me she didn't owe me anything. 

    It is difficult for me as supportive guy to become toxic dude and lead her into my frame of her sucking my cock again. Stupid moral compass. But I'm trying.

     

    So, as best I can tell, the mixed signals are:

    - if there's no interest whatsoever, don't text 

    - texting negative messages during prime breakup sex hours

    - just fucking say that you're banging someone else at the time you text

     

    I'm assuming she's already banging someone else and preferring to think that she waited until after (she had more notice than I did) she kicked me curbside to do so. It does turn out, however, that I'm less attached to her than i thought. I still love her, but I don't like her a great deal right now.

    Which will lead to hate fucking of the hard pounding variety (our lovemaking was more often of the closeness and rapport flavor; what? I'm in touch with my shit, blow me) that all girls need when they're being lead into the frame of submission. Yay, goals!

     

    Early day today, so peace y'all.

     

     

     

  • I've Been Cheated. Been Mistreated.

    So, I'm reading this book on getting over one's ex. After revisiting my need to seek anatta so I can let go of attachment. I'm still in the process of remembering random things about her at random times. Like the fact she gave me her number on my parent's anniversary. I was in a casino with them before we went to Red Lobster. 

    Again, my memory serves me far too well. The next time I make a connection, I'm going to make sure there are more bad times to remember. Recalling all the good ones kinda sorta hurts. A lot.

     

    Anyhoo, long story somewhat less so, I really really REALLY should've taken some more time judging said book by its cover. I foolishly assumed it was, like, you know, about getting over one's ex for anyone who is grieving and trying to grow. Being a simple country boy and all.

     

    Uh, no. Not so much. Turns out it's about the manipulative strategies that men can use to try and keep their ex in a bad relationship. So, I dealt. I thought OK, strategies to learn.

    Again, not so much. Talk of alcoholism and verbal or physical abuse. Threats. Safety issues.

     

    Here I thought I was toxic. A monster. The opposite of civilization.

    I was open, honest and supportive.

    I knew what I had. Said so. And know what I've lost.

    I did what I said I would.

    I gave thoughtful, inexpensive (this is key) gifts on occasion; like when I went to Sacramento (booked before we were an item) without her and she gave me rides to and fro the airport, common courtesy. 

    I loved her and told her so. Okay, it was too soon, but I'm working on it. I'm in touch with my shit (I misted up at the end of American Sniper), sue me.

    I desired and respected her. But I became too complacent and stopped attracting her. Which is apparently worse than abuse because it's predictable and boring.  I'm lucky she didn't have me fucking killed, let alone not communicate with me.

     

    Lesson learned. Okay, now I may be getting in touch with the Hulk Smash!

  • The Pros and Cons of Whatever. And Ever. Amen.

    My name is Christian and I'm an addict.

    Alas, I'm the type that gets hooked on people and belief systems and the book learning and not the fun kind of addict. Can't even do that right.

     

    So, while I appreciate the surgical precision of the We're Done Here-type text, apparently that's a dick move, bro. I hurt and this, apparently, is my outrage.

    I'm having some issues with the anger portion of my grief process. A little too hung up on the her head is phenomenal and I'll miss it stage. Baby steps, y'all. 

     

    Again, no support system. This is me working through my issues. I've been on Vacation the past 8 days. Some days are better than others. I've been throwing myself into everything. Inner game. outer game. Buddhism. Strong role model-type movies. Comedies.

    I knew I'd hit rock bottom when I read a relationship recovery book by Dr. (who gave this guy a degree?) Phil. But, I can and do learn something from everyfuckingbody. Blow me.

     

    I have to admit, the ease with which I've been eradicated from the life of someone I've shared time and had unprotected sex with astounds me. Her Kung Fu is strong, and I'm going to ask where she learned that particular technique, as I have literally no boundaries.

    Except sounding. That shit's just loco. And that part of Smilla's Sense of Snow (the book; I ain't a criminal, I can read, bitch) where she sticks her clit in some dude's peehole. THAT haunts my dreams.

     

    So, I'm reading Russell Brand's Revolution (I may have to start attending some meetings - especially the sex addict ones, those just sound like target-rich environments) and watching Elf. And I was updating my quotes so I thought why not post? I'm in the moment and out of my head. Right now. Brand's a little hard to follow and I'm not a Will Ferrell fan, but I need to giggle.

     

    At least she hasn't blocked me as a LinkedIn connection. I've become addicted to that, too. Actually sending out invites and shit. Guy, girl, whoever. Not concerned with the outcome. Again, baby steps.

    And even replied to the text where I acknowledged my failure to always be attracting (burn that into your memory, y'all, tattoo it if needs be) and thanked her for the gifts of time, clarity and absence. I'm trying some strategies. Blow me or blow me out.

    The worst thing that can happen with a woman is she won't blow you. J's already not blowing me, so really no risk involved. So I'll keep trying to get that mouth back into my life. Words mean nothing and can be used to say anything. Again, learn it. Live it. Love it.

     

    So, I've played this one completely wrong. I'm ONS, not LTR. I have the phone, text and e-mail game to sleep with almost any woman. Once. After that, shit goes south. Alas, I'm lazy. I attract. I hit it. I fail to quit it. Always looking for that steady supply of head so I can keep mine clear.

    Am working on it. May vent further about my issues.

     

    I've noticed that her hot daughter, who I thought looked only slightly like her in the actual and factual, is the younger, finer, spitting image of her in the photography. And yes, I think about the daughter more than the ex.

    How can I use the inherent insecurity (I know, hello pot, kettle calling) of the older woman towards the younger model, especially when said younger model is the target's daughter, to my advantage?

    My new motto: What Would JT Do?

    I'm going to be just fine. Peace, y'all. I've got some more of the book learning to do. I'm healing.