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  • Women of the Day 03/06/2011

    It has been a) waaaaaay too long since I've done one and 2) an eternity since I've done a post of any sort, so bear with me. I'm doing this free flow, train of blank-style, and sometimes the jokes don't exactly write themselves. Sometimes, however, patterns do.

    And, as those of you three who've visited hereabouts before will attest, I don't provide pictures. That's why I invented Google. Although I do wish I had some photos of the performance of #2. That there is what I like to refer to as foreshadowing. Expect to see more of it. Probably from space, said Captain Obvious.




    1) Amy Dumas - Formerly the WWE's Lita, recognizable by the big-ass tattoo on her shoulder, fiery red hair (love love LOVE me the redheads), and ample rack. Any womenfolks what can hit the moonsault is someone worth picturing when you've got your fuck buddy's legs pinned behind her ears and you're starting to get a little bored and nearing a concussion from continually banging your forehead into the roof of the car. Or maybe that's just me. It often is.


    2) Amy, the alleged name of the escort I procured in Vegas that time - Even though she head butted me when I was pounding her dogstyle; she claimd it was an accident, but it was likely because I stole her best line by asking if it was in yet. Simply how I roll. Hookers giggle when you break up with them during The Girlfriend Experience (yes, I've written Steven Soderbergh asking for my money back, even though I downloaded the film; Sasha Grey was completely wasted in this one) and then, make up sex which, other than completely random sex with completely random passersby; is totally the best kind. Word to the wise: Cymbalta is the new Viagra. I was taking it for depression last year when I had a little bit of a psychotic episode (okay, it was the entire series), but I'm better now. My former fuck buddy told me I lasted longer when I was on my meds, so I've saved them for special occasions. Furthermore, you get the strangest looks when you ask a whore if you can be Facebook Friends. Although an escort did send me a My Space Friend Request once, completely out of the blue.


    3) Amy Lee - Evanescence has to, surely, put out a new album this decade, don't they? I'm really not someone who notices a woman's eyes (other than the time I met the inimitable Sophie Dee, but that's another tale), as long as she has 2 (or a cool eye patch, something about the socket just works for me) and they're relatively level, but the divine Ms. Lee definitely has pretty ones. Color? Yeah, I'm totally the kind that pays attention to these things. Everything you're read thus far definitely draws one to that conclusion. Anyhoo, I saw them in concert once, and it was cool, have all the albums and even bought me 2 T-shirts. Now If Only I could find them.


    4) Amy Amy Amy - Apparently 18 and the Face of Innocence. Nope, it doesn't get a whole lot better than that. Sometimes when you open yourself to Epiphany, it finds you of its own accord. Which reminds me, as I was perusing the case studies in Oral Sex is the New Goodnight Kiss (there really IS a book, all scientific and shit, I only make up about 50% of my act), when I realized that I was born roughly eleventy-teen years too soon. Sigh. And this lovely young lass just bludgeons me about the head and ears with that particular fact. But we love her anyway, even though we wish we'd gone to high school with more girls that looked like her.


    5) Amy Sue Cooper - Playboy's 2005 Cyber Girl of the Year and someone you can actually find on the Book of Face (I've always wondered how many friends good ol' Mark Zuckerberg has, but am too lazy to check it out). Because I'm all about the random, she was also atop the leaderboard in the bunny's stock picking contest. I always enjoyed the game Stock Ticker, and I need me some sound financial planning. Actually, I pretty much require sound anything.


    All right, I'm out to mull the implications of signing up for speed dating. As a cautionary tale, try to refrain from inquiring of one's ex-GF as to whether she or her social circle give such events the thumbs-up or down. They tend to freak. Chicks. I swear, if I live to be fitty-leben, I'll never understand them. Make them come, yes (and yes, this includes the pro; she was all matter-of-fact about it, too; I really should've made me call her King and get on all fours and finger herself for me...next time), understand them, not so much.


    Have a pleasant weekend, y'all. Don't do anything Keith Richards wouldn't do.