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  • My New Year's Resolutions

    Why, yes, kiddies, it's kinda that time again. Suffer.


    In the coming months, I, Christian Aldous Manson, Esquire, being of soundish body and questionable mind; do hereby vow, resolve and all the rest of it to:


    1) Gain Weight. Yeah. 75 pounds sounds about right, I think I'd like to run about 3 bills on my 6'6'' frame. Don't worry, it's okay to hate.


    2) Smoke MORE. Again, any idiot can go the other way, but THIS idjit figures that the time space continuum and the universe as we, you know, know it requires somebody to fill the vacuum of all the regular folk what have decided to drop weight and, gasp, QUIT smoking. Nature, after all, abhors a vacuum.

    Besides, if and, you know, WHEN I fail to live up to these resolutions, it'll likely be better for my health. Which is, as they say in the trades, win win.


    3) Sit in the pumpkin patch on Xmas Eve and eagerly await the return of the giant clam.

    No, wait, that doesn't sound right.


    4) World domination.

    Oops, sorry, wrong list.


    5) Be as big in West Germany as David Hasselhoff.

    What do you mean there's no more West Germany?


    6) Find me a suitable nemesis to foil me at every turn.

    What? Like you haven't been searching for YOUR soulmate. Quit throwing them rocks, you judgmental bastards!


    7) I'll be in bed by 8 o'clock every night. And home by 11.

    No, Virginia, they can't all be gold. Now come sit on Santa's lap.


    8) I'll find and date one sane woman.

    Okay, I still believe in Santa Claus and unicorns, too. Oh, like YOU'RE perfect. No, fuck YOU, and that's why I don't perpetrate these little crimes against humanity anywhere near often enough. You've noone to blame but yourselves.


    9) I'll try coloring inside the lines for once. Just to see how the other half lives.


    10) More tattoos.

    Because, let's face it, 13 simply isn't enough. Be it tats or fully functioning brain cells.


    11) I'll catch Fall Out Boy (the new disc, Folies a Deux, is awesome, by the by; especially I Don't Care) live in concert. Yeah, I know they'll never come out here, so Vegas it is.

    And yes, another 3 trips to fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada this year sounds about right. And yes, I'll resume travelling, if not staying, alone.


    12) My own reality show.

    And Denzel's totally going to play me.


    Peace on earth, women loving their fellow women, and all the rest of it,