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  • Women of the Day 11/30/05

    I find myself on the horns of yet another in a seemingly endless line of ethical dilemmas. Which is quite strange, given my inherent moral pragmatism.

    Say you're on an airplane that's about to go down, blazing fireball-style. The complete stranger sitting beside you is sleeping peaceably (I travel solo, so pretty much everyone's a complete fucking stranger, but for the average couple, the odds of sitting beside at least one are fairly reasonable-like). Do you wake them and let them share in the epiphany that Only impending Death can bring? What about if your travelling partner is sleeping peacefully; Would you awaken THEM?

    Sadly, I'm leaning towards yes in both instances. Every day, I inch that much Closer to becoming a complete fucking prick.


    On that note: it appears that Expedia.ca (possibly .com as well) is currently having a 72 hour sale. To all sorts of places and everything. I was scoping a trip to Las Vegas for the Kelly Clarkson concert at the Aladdin on Saturday, December 10th, just for kicks. I was able to find a package at Circus Circus, which is a neat place, if a smidge downscale; which is fine, as I'm totally a low-rent kind of guy, for $565 Canadian/including taxes. Which is damn reasonable, especially for a weekend; it's about the same price as staying at the local Ho Jo or Motel 6. I'm seriously pondering it, and have until Thursday to decide. Where the trouble comes into Paradise is the fucking 10 hour flights. Nope, NO idea how a 3 hour and change direct flight can get FUBAR'ed into 10. Perhaps a brief tour of the Bermuda Triangle, followed by a layover in the Twilight Zone?

    And then there's the fact that I have NO idea wherefore to go and pick up my tickets, boarding passes and whatnot. I have a printer, but, since I've had it for well over 6 months and haven't even attempted to set the fucker up...the odds are better than fair that I won't be doing it any time soon. Well, that and I don't really trust e-tickets. I like the tangibility of paper, I went to the school that burned down before they put up the old school. Of course, this crisis has arisen before: Expedia apparently has some kind of VIP nightclub pass for Las Vegas that I was eying up, simply so I could finally check out Ghost Bar and Rain-in-the-Desert (more commonly known as Rain), without having to either blow a doorperson or sell a kidney to get bribe money. Yes, even I have a few principles I like to call my own, although one would be hard pressed to guess that from the things I say and the ''ideas'' I have.

    Oh my yes, I'm fully aware of my insanity and all of my weaknesses. And now, y'all are, too. Lucky you.


    Kim. Success suits you. Impressive. Despite being well past under the weather, you sucked it up and finally got it done. Congratulations.


    A brief musical interlude:

    And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

    I can't even type the fucker, I strongly suspect y'all can imagine exactly how well I sing it. Very scary. Not for the faint of heart. But still I try.


    A hearty much obliged to my lovely neighbor for providing this fucking freeloader with a ride to volleyball last night. Hopefully I managed to keep the conversation low-key and casually friendly, without boring the poor woman to fucking tears. Again, I'm aware. Artificially intelligent, even.

    I feel like a total jerk. She told me her birthday (we were talking about such things, she mentioned it was in March, and I asked; I'm like that) and I've somehow managed to forget it completely. It was either the 14th or the 16th, though, that much I recall.

    Did y'all ever see the episode of The Flintstones where Fred does something truly unforgivable (a common plotline, I'll freely admit) and he ends up with the word HEEL (possibly 1st Class, my memory's a bit shaky this chilly a.m.) written on his forehead? Today, that is I, wearing the goathorns. Or is it a crown of shit? Some days I have trouble keeping these things straight. Anyway, I feel pretty damn Low about it. On the positive tip, I also feel meaner than a rattlesnake. For whatever that's worth.

    Sadly, our winning streak was stopped, and we found ourselves bounced out the playoffs. Sigh. No more volleyball until January. Double sigh. Again, I found myself trying to do too much at times. I know I hate that, so I can only imagine how everyone else feels about it. Likely not goodly. I managed to run into Kendra, narrowly avoid collisions with Steph and Tamara, and nearly crippled Kim. Typical evening out for your bull-in-a-China-shop narrator.


    Note to self: Do not EVER get the good doctor Tamara angry at you. You've seen what she's capable of without malice aforethought (I think/hope, anyway). Last night, apres volleyball, she did what many of y'all likely Wish you could: she threw a pot of coffee at me; but I totally brought it on myself. I always do. That's how I roll.

    What can I say? The ''easy-pour'' coffee pot had me completely fucking baffled (being a simple country boy and all), and, since I'm man enough to ask for assistance (or directions, for that matter) when I require it; I did. Sadly, things didn't work out so well, but the pot did end up pouring easily after all. All over me. Luckily, I was only on my way to work, with noone to impress or anything.

    Yes, a total accident, a mishap even; but it just makes a better story to say she heaved it at me, don't it? And y'all know I'm all about the stories.


    The list:


    1) Jenna Jameson (after deleting all them posts, I've literally NO idea exactly whom I've included previously, but it simply wouldn't be a list without lovely Double J., now would it? one day I WILL read her book, in case any of y'all are wondering what to give me for xmas.)


    2) Joan Jett (even after all of these years, whenever I Love Rock 'N' Roll comes on the radio I still sing along, and I'd bet cash moneys y'all do, too. same with I Hate Myself (boy, do I) For Loving You.)


    3) Japan (aka Misty Mason. black porn star (I like incongruency) with an awesome tat on her right leg.)


    4) Jocasta (unknowingly married her son, Oedipus, and had 4 children with him. when she realized what she'd wrought, she hung herself. see, some people DO have worse relationship luck than I.)


    5) Mary Putnam Jacobi (the 1st woman student at the L'Ecole de Medicine, Paris.)


    Off to eat 2X, check my pools, and then bed. Gots to get up early to catch the alternate ending of tonight's episode of Veronica Mars at AOL.com/Veronica Mars after the show. Yet again, it's Hump Day. Friday looms ever near. Stay the course, y'all.

  • Women of the Day 11/29/05

    Being as how I'm completely focused on tonight's volleyball endeavours, I don't have much today. Aw, who'm I fucking kidding? I just ain't got nothing (English 201's A- rears its ugly head) today.


    I woke up an hour early yesterday (for some unknown reason, of late, almost daily I seem to wake up with exactly 6 hours left until that Sour Times whence I must arise from my troubled slumber), as I often do on Mondays, sos I can go in to and, thusly, leave work early; knowing that I must go to Sleepytime early so I can be cocked, locked, and ready to rock come gametime on Tuesday night. Upon waking, I discovered that some salesfolk from Quebec (call display is a double-edged sword: good for avoiding salesfolk and screening calls in general; bad because others can screen YOUR calls and know who is attempting to play a phone prank on them) had called 3 fucking times. They are persistent, though, I'll give 'em that. Still not going to answer their calls, but I'll give them props for trying.

    Next, I checked e-mail and discovered 2 from my fair neighbor. She is apparently able to join our squad again tonight, which is cool, as I've NO idea what kind of turnout we're expecting and Carl suggested I invite her. Later, she e-mailed again, to ask if I could help out one of HER teams Monday night. I offered my assistance once upon a time, and she finally takes me up on it (ah, progress; baby steps, that's how I roll); and I'm dreaming my life away, to drop some Everly Brothers qualitay on y'all. Story of my life. I strongly suspect that I'll sleep through the forthcoming Apocalypse and will have stockpiled all these weapons and chocolate goods for naught. In my own defence, though, she didn't e-mail me until 3 p.m., and Everybody Knows I'm unconscious long before that. Actually, come to think of it: that's right about the time I woke up. Hmmm.


    Caught the new Black Eyed Peas clip yesterday. Sound off, as per usual. Fergie looks TOO good in this one, and DAMN can she shake that ass. Her talents are totally wasted, she should be doing porn. Do I say that as often as I think I do?


    I'ma start asking women if I can take their pictures ''for all my homies (or is it homeys?) in jail''. Y'all think that'll work for me?


    Watching the new Mariah Carey video (LOVE me some BET), and I must say: her tits are pretty fucking spectacular. But when did her hips get so big?


    Oh look...


    Dear Useless:

    The one time I ask you to help ME out and you're sleeping? The fuck good are you, anyway? You totally missed out, son, I WAS finally starting to warm up to y'all. I was even going to grace you with that comradely handshake you've been longing for, too. Oh well, your loss. I've totally moved on.

    I'll give you this, though; you've got a big ol' pair of brass ones, asking me to play for YOUR team tonight and then begging me for a ride to boot. FYI, given the hours you keep: a vampire's just another kind of Leech. Just like you.

    Peace. I'm out. See you tonight.

    Love and Kisses,

    Someone You Can Never Have

    (I know how much you like Nine Inch Nails.)

    PS: You say you like me, so what's up? I'm beginning to think you're all sound, no fury.


    Yeah, that sounds about right.


    The list:


    1) Inanna (Sumerian Queen of Heaven.)


    2) Isis (Egyptian, allegedly the most complete goddess concept in human history. I liked the cartoon, too, back in the day. hey, do y'all have ANY idea how difficult it is to come up with 10 women of the ''I'' variety? I'm totally dreading when I get to ''Q'', and don't even want to contemplate ''X". sorry to burden y'all, but some days it's just like that.)


    3) Amy Irving (actress who made her debut in the timeless classic Carrie (again, though, the book's better). yes, they ARE all gonna laugh at you, that's just the way THEY are. former wife of Steven Spielberg.)


    4) Kim Iglinsky (leggy Israeli (the 1st I've included, if memory serves) model who's worked for Chanel, Dolce & Gabbana and Michael Kors, amongst many others.)


    5) Niele Ivey (5'7'' fine Nubian guard for the Phoenix Mercury of the WNBA. attended Notre Dame, likely many years after the Hunchback matriculated, but still. MILF.)


    Off to fix some bologna (pronounced b'low me) sammiches and then take a sleeping pill and off to bed. Hopefully the weather where y'all are is better than it be here. Be good and be safe.

  • Women of the Day 11/28/05

    Congratulations to the Edmonton Eskimos (I swear to Christ I don't make any of these names up, honest) on their victory in yesterday's Grey Cup. It sounds like it was a pretty good game, too, as it went into overtime and everything. That's one thing I dislike about the Super Bowl: it's usually pretty much over by the time the halftime entertainment either titillates or (more often) sedates the viewing audience. Nope, didn't watch the game, didn't much care. Opted instead for the ever-popular sleeping all day alternative instead. Haven't seen any CFL games this year, I'm an NFL man through and through. Speaking of which, my beloved Seattle Seahawks are this much closer to clinching the NFC West after beating the G-Men in overtime yesterday. Sadly, the St. Louis Rams also won, to keep their feeble hopes alive.


    Here's hoping my boy Carl has a safe and productive journey to Drumheller this week. Sadly, he'll have to miss our volleyball Clash of the Titans tomorrow night.


    A short memory is the key to a happy (whatever THAT means) and productive life. Sadly, mine's damn near photographic. Useful at times, and capable of some neat party tricks; but, other than that, largely a burden.


    How far do y'all suppose I can get using the phrase ''I'm a Kennedy'' as a pickup line? Couldn't be any worse than my current fave: ''my wife just doesn't understand me''.


    In a similar vein: it appears that longtime favorite former Dallas Cowboys' receiver Michael Irvin has again been arrested, this time on possession of drug paraphernalia. Bye bye, cushy ESPN gig. Dude, I keep telling you: "I'm Michael fucking Irvin" simply isn't a viable defence in a court of law. File that one with ''she looked 18 to me, your honor''. Nifty in theory and cool to say, but get used to being ''community soap'', should you stick with them. I did fairly well, the one time I took the LSAT, as you can likely deduce. Hopefully, he can refrain from threatening the lives of the judge and/or any potential witnesses This Time.

    In the immortal words of the venerable Chris Farley: stay off the pipe and don't forget to wipe.


    I've been watching episodes of WKRP in Cincinnati these past few days, closely studying the immortal Herbert R. Tarlek Sr.; for fashion tips, naturellement. Dating advice, too. Where, pray tell, can one go about finding Sansabelt slacks, anyway? Do they even still make them? I'm sorry, white belt and white shoes just not possible. Like.


    Thanks to the online gambling folks for yet another comment and to My Sister Michelle for hers, also. You're welcome for the CD, you got to be the guinea pig, as I was trying out a new program for burning, since my old one refused to recognize the songs I shook off my discs onto this fucking thing. That's as good of an excuse as I can offer as to why Since U Been Gone didn't burn overly well at the end of the CD. The next one will be better, promise.


    The list:


    1) Iris (the messenger goddess, a sister of the winged monsters the Harpies. I like the Goo Goo Dolls' song, too. especially the acoustic version that plays during City of Angels but isn't on the actual soundtrack. yes, some days one does need to bleed just to know he's Alive.)


    2) Iman (mostly because of her cameo in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. quite possibly the most recognizable African in the world today.)


    3) Janis Ian (American folk singer/songwriter. her article The Internet Debacle-An Alternative View is quite informative; it's about how folks tend to pirate songs online, and yet, for some lesser known artists, that may be the only way John Q. Public comes into contact with their music (I'm simplifying, of course) and perhaps then spends money to see the artist perform live or perhaps begins to purchase said artist's work. anyway, informative.)


    4) India (of India's Playhouse.com. Nubian. shapely. fine. porn star, obviously, although she apparently also has a singing career going on.)


    5) Kathy Ireland (supermodel. haven't seen or heard much of her since her role in the underrated Necessary Roughness. come back to us, Kathy, we forgive you for your inability to act.)


    Sadly, it is Monday again. On the positive tip, mine's pretty much over. Alls that's left is to eat 2X and go to bed. Take care, y'all. I'm off to listen to some Nine Inch Nails. Ever since the concert, that's about all I've been playing. I even went out and finally purchased the last 2 CD's I was lacking: And All That Could Have Been (Live) and Fixed. Sadly, the band doesn't play Happiness in Slavery on the live album, either. Sigh. I wonder whyfore that is? That song fucking ROCKS!